One Year Later

This weekend marks the one year anniversary of learning that I had cancer.  November 2009 was the beginning of an incredible journey of growth and healing.  I learned that in all things, God is good.  I learned of the power of community.  Roz and I learned of the importance of holding everything loosely.  I've learned of the growth that comes through trial.  I've learned that trusting God is easier during the trial.  You have no choice.  It's in the everyday that the struggle comes.  I'm so thankful for the trials of the past year.  I wouldn't trade these lessons for anything.

Living Well

Hello again!  Sorry it's been so long since I've last posted an update.  There are a couple of reasons (read, excuses).  First, I've been working hard to finish my Master's degree (MBA)...which I submitted my last assignment for yesterday.  I have a week of class next week, then I'm totally done!  It has been such a great program...but I'm ready to be finished now :).

Second, I've been struggling with what to say.  This next part may sound strange, but it's been a tough transition back to health.  While I was sick, I really came to a place of incredible peace.  The fear of death was fading.  How I might die was no longer a mystery.  If I was going to be beaten by cancer, I was going to die well.  When the news came that the surgery was successful, we were overjoyed...and continue to be so.  There was also a sense of 'now what?'.  What does my experience mean for who I'm supposed to be moving forward.  I'm different, but will I stay that way?  Will I just slip back into the mediocrity of life and forget the vivid lessons that God entrusted me with?  And how long would I have to keep it up?  Death was once again a mystery.  I'm in no way suggesting that I was sorry for being healed, I just didn't know there would be an emotional period of transitioning back to health.

A few weeks ago, Roz and I went to hear John Piper speak at Trinity Western.  He talked about the need to live well and to die well.  I realized that while it took a lot to decide to die well, it was made a little easier by the fact that it was short-term commitment.  I was now faced with needing to make the decision to live well...which is a commitment for an unknown period of time and for unknown circumstances.  I could not just drift from being sick back to being healthy, I had to decide to live well.  That's no small decision.  I'm still trying to unpack what it means...I think it could take a lifetime.  I guess that's why God tells us to just worry about today! 

Doing or Being?

Over the past few weeks, I've been reading through The Spirit of the Disciplines, by Dallas Willard.  If you're looking for a great book on spirituality, this is a good one.  Willard's point is that we keep trying to do what Jesus would do...but that we are continually frustrated because we can't do it.  Jesus says that his burden is easy and that his yoke is light...but most of the time it certainly does not feel that way.  As a result, acting like Jesus has become a lofty goal that we don't think we were ever really meant to live up to.  Willard points out that we are trying to get the results without investing in the process.  Focusing on 'what would Jesus do' is pointless.  The decisions that Jesus made were the result of a life devoted to becoming equipped to make those decisions.  If a child said that they wanted to play in the NHL one day, we would not take them to the rink, send them out onto the ice, and expect that they will know how to skate, shoot, and think like an NHL player.  They will become frustrated and lose hope in their ability to reach their goal.  In our spiritual lives, we think that we should be able to show up in a situation and somehow be able to be Christlike.  If Christ himself thought it necessary to spend a lifetime in training, how do we think that we will be able to do what he did without the training.  He modeled an entire lifestyle.  We've tried to replace that with a WWJD bracelet.

Our other strategy is to try and mandate the results.  We petition lawmakers to legislate the way we should live...or rather, how we think others should live.  Ban this, require that...make our nation Christian through legal and political decisions.  Seems like, 'go and make it illegal' is a little different than 'go and make disciples'.  Making disciples requires (after we have done this ourselves) teaching others about the disciplines that Jesus used to in order to be able to live like he lived.
 
In the Bible there is an account of Jesus spending 40 days in the desert.  After going without food, company, or comfort for that amount of time He is approached by Satan and is tempted.  I've often thought of this story as another example of Jesus doing something that I could never do.  Jesus was able to still resist temptation...even though he was hungry, tired, and lonely.  I can't even make the right decisions when I'm full, rested, and around good people.  I think that's the problem.  Perhaps the story is not showing us that Jesus could withstand temptation EVEN THOUGH he had just spent 40 days in the desert.  I now believe that the story is showing us that Jesus could withstand temptation BECAUSE he had just spent 40 days in the desert.  He was showing us the strategy, not showing us how he could do something that we can't.

Dallas Willard outlines the disciplines that Christ used in order to prepare himself to make the decisions that he made when it was game time.  Solitude, prayer, fasting, and thanksgiving are a few of them.  If we truly want to be Christlike, we need to stop trying to perform in game-perfect form.  We need to start with the simple,  yet profound, training that Jesus demonstrated for us.  According to Willard, doing what Jesus did will become the easy choice (the easy burden and the light yoke)...if we focus on becoming who Jesus is.  I'm certainly not there yet, but I'm excited to discover that there is another option to continually feeling frustrated by not being able to do what Jesus would do.

Still recovering well

Hi all, sorry that I haven't written in while.  I'm still recovering well and have begun to transition back to work.  Once we got the good news about the surgery, the full weight of how tired we were hit.  We're just starting to surface from the exhaustion.  Just wanted to let you all know that things are going well.

The Results Are In!

The phone rang this afternoon at 3:11.  The call display said that it was the surgeon, but we were not expecting to hear from him for several more days.  My lymph nodes were both clear and he was able to get a large enough clear margin around original cancer site!  The news is still pretty surreal, but it is starting to sink in.

The past 10 weeks have been quite the adventure.  We have learned so much and are thankful for every step of what we've been through.  In all things, God is good.

I'll keep posting thoughts and updates to this site.  Feel free to keep reading, I'm planning on being around for a while. :)

Quick Update

One week after surgery and recovery is continuing to go well.  After a brief return to the hospital for a post-surgery infection, I'm on the mend again.  If you're wondering where to find Victoria's nightlife...check the ER at Royal Jubilee!

Since arriving home 5 days ago, I have spent the majority of my time asleep on the couch.  I've had a few visitors, which has been great.  Now that I'm off the T3's, I can tell when I have real visitors and when they are part of my dreams.  Was Bono really here?

I know we've said this before, but we really can't say it enough.  Thank you to everyone for your love and support.  Your assurances of prayer, the meals that have been delivered, and the incredible displays of friendship have meant the world to us and our family.  We have been extremely well cared for.

We should get test results back toward the end of next week.  We are praying that the surgery was successful and that there is no further spread.

There are a few new pictures at http://bdkerrpics.blogspot.com for those that are interested.

Recovering well

Well, the surgery is done! I'm recovering well, thanks to excellent post-op care and a healthy dose of T-3's :). Having the surgery in Victoria, a truly beautiful city, I felt a little like a dog who was being tricked into going to the vet...come on boy, it will fun..wanna go for a ride!!

My surgery day went very quickly (for me anyway). I arrived at nuclear medicine at 10:20 to receive a series of radioactive dye injections just below my right eye. After being injected, I was put into a very small machine where I lay for about 2 hours. There was about 1 inch between my nose and the roof, and, of course, the itching started early. The technician watched the screen the whole time, tracking where the dye traveled. When it reached its destination, I was marked with a couple 'x's, then taken up to the surgical ward.

I said goodbye to Roz and my parents at that point, and then changed into my hospital gown. I'm getting pretty good with those now, so there were no major incidents. A very fast-talking (but wonderful) nurse explained what I should expect after I woke up. I met the surgeon, who explained a few more details, then was wheeled to the OR. It was like a surprise party in there! The room was packed with people and equipment. They lifted me from my bed to the operating table, and started the IV. I woke up in the recovery room a few hours later. After a couple more hours of dozing, I was taken to my 'room'...one wall and three curtains to be exact.

Roz and my parents visited with me for about 30 minutes, then I was ready to sleep again. A shot of morphine and I felt like I was at the Westin! I was discharged the next morning and am currently being waited on hand and foot by an amazing team. Thanks Roz, mom and dad!

We were uncertain of the extent of the surgery prior to the injection of the dye. I ended up having my parotid glad (main saliva gland) and 2 lymph nodes removed. The surgeon also took a wide margin around my original cancer site to minimize the chance of future spread. The lymph nodes will be examined for cancer cells. We will have the results in a couple of weeks. The 2 major risks of the surgery were blindness (the incision is through my eyelid) and facial paralysis. So far, things are looking good (literally!), but I have no feeling in the surface of my right cheek or ear. With the number of stitches I have, that's actually quite a blessing :). The surgeon said that this would most likely be the case and that we'll know that if it is permanent after a few weeks.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers, we truly felt them all.

I posted some pre and post op pictures for those that are interested. They are rather 'medical', so viewer discretion is advised.


http://bdkerrpics.blogspot.com/2010/01/surgery.html
http://bdkerrpics.blogspot.com/2010/01/post-op.html

Identity

As the way I look will change soon, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of identity. My driver's license expires shortly after my surgery and I intended to go and get my new photo taken ahead of time. I've decided not to. My identity, both inside and out, is being shaped by this experience. I think I am better for it. My picture ID will represent who I will be going forward. To take the picture now would be a denial of an identity that will be forever changed.

I was talking recently with a good friend who recently lost his job. We had a good talk about the value of savoring our trials. Not dwelling in them, but savoring them. Learning from them. Deliberately letting them shape and contribute to our identities. Times like these will shape and contribute to identity no matter whether we're intentional about it or not. By savoring the experience, we can influence how we are shaped. I did not choose to have cancer. Now that I have it, however, I can either despise it...or I can use the opportunity to experience emotions and insights that may not have come had I just kept moving through life at its regular chaotic pace. Both approaches will shape me, and both will shape those around me. My prayer is that we'll all grow and learn through this.

To all of you that have supported us over the past couple of months, we thank you so very much. I'm not sure where we would be without the incredible provision that has come through our work, church, friend, and family circles. We have been fed, prayed for, had renovation services donated, and loved beyond comprehension. Thank you is not enough, but thank you.

We travel to Victoria this afternoon. A family friend has blessed us by providing accommodations until Sunday. My parents will be there, which we are also extremely thankful for. Roz will not need to be alone while I'm in surgery. I will arrive at the hospital (Royal Jubilee) tomorrow morning (Thursday), and will be in surgery until late afternoon. Hopefully I'll be discharged sometime on Friday and we'll stay in Victoria until Sunday. I'll post an update as soon as possible. See you all soon!

Medical Update

Happy New Year! 10 days until surgery, but it still seems surreal. There was a moment when reality hit on January 1 though. Roz and I returned from a wonderful visit with her family in Ontario, which had always been a milestone toward going into hospital. In planning out the Christmas season, I often thought 'we get back from Ontario, then I go into hospital the next week'. Picking up our bags from the carousel seemed to set the whole thing into motion. There is a lot to do before January 14th, so I'll have plenty to keep my mind off of things.

Before Christmas, I saw an oncologist who confirmed that there were no other troublesome areas on my skin. There was an odd spot, but it washed off ;). It's a huge relief to know that we only have to worry about the existing area for now.

Tomorrow I have my pre-op appointment. Is it a good idea to check weight right after Christmas?!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! May you experience the peace of Christ as you celebrate His birth. I was reminded of the power of Christmas at our church's Christmas Eve service this year. While we often read of Christ's birth in the Gospels, it is a tradition in our church to read the account recorded in Revelation. I didn't realize that there was a version of the Christmas story in Revelation, but there is. It has a dragon. Read Revelation 12 for a description of what was happening in the spiritual realm while Mary and Joseph were posing for your Nativity set. Our pastor reminded us that the entrance of Christ to the world was a battle cry. It was a call to fight against injustice. To fight against all that is evil. To fight for compassion. And the weapon? An innocent and gentle child. Interesting.

Hospital Gowns

Upon checking in for a recent chest x-ray, I was instructed to go down the hall, grab a gown, and change in a cubicle. As I made my way to the changing area, I passed a shelving unit of gowns...but the only ones left were up on the top shelf. I'm not the tallest person in the world, so (after several failed jumps) I had to scale the shelving unit to reach one of the lovely pale blue items. I figured that if I fell, I was in close proximity to the emergency room. I made my way to the cubicles, only to discover a nice pile of fresh gowns waiting for me inside. I used the one that I worked for.

The cubicles are along one wall of a hallway. Opposite to the cubicles are the chairs, which are filled with people already wearing gowns. Once you successfully maneuver your way into the puppet stage curtain of a garment, you get a front row seat from which to watch the next poor soul who needs to change. And when I say watch, I mean WATCH. Yes, you are in a cubicle, but there is about a 1.5 inch gap between the door and the frame. You can see the entire audience, and they are all trying to pretend that they can't see you. They've all just been in the cubicle, so most are sensitive to newcomers.

On the wall inside the cubicle was an instruction sheet with the warning: Please dress according to the instructions for your specific procedure. Incorrect gown placement will result in longer testing times. I like to stand in front of x-ray machines for as short a time as possible, so I really wanted to get it right! The instructions continued..for such and such a procedure, wear one gown forwards and one gown backwards. For another, wear one gown forwards. For yet another wear one gown backwards. For my procedure...wear one gown. One gown!? Which way?! Where am I supposed to feel the draft?

I finally decided to tie the gown up in the front since that would give easier access to my chest. Unfortunately, it was so large that it practically wrapped around me twice. I was wearing a kimono. A pale blue one. At least there was no draft!

Tomorrow I meet with my dermatologist again. No gowns for that appointment, unfortunately!

God is not on our side (it's better than that).

In reading the account of the fall of Jericho, I was struck by a portion of the story that I had never noticed before. We usually start reading when Israel is marching around the wall and we assume that God was on THEIR side because the wall fell down. If we read the passage before the marching and falling, we see Joshua meeting a soldier. Joshua asks the soldier, 'are you on our side, or are you on the side of our enemy?'. The soldier's (who was an angel) response is so interesting. He says 'neither, I am on God's side'. God is not on our side. We are on His. This may seem like silly semantics, but I think the difference is critical. If we have the mindset that God is on OUR side, that means that we are the ones with the plan. We are the one calling the shots. We are the ones that must always have things go our way. He wants us on His side. His plans are much better than ours. Confusing sometimes, but always much better.

Surgery Date Set...For real this time

I will have surgery on January 14th, more than 2 weeks earlier than it could have been. This is a huge blessing as O.R. time is pretty tight. The solidification of a date and a detailed explanation of the procedure have brought this whole experience to a new level of reality. Here is the plan so far (which may change as the procedure gets going). I will have a circle (2cm across) removed from beside my right eye. The edge of the circle will be at my lower eyelash line. From there, I'll have an incision across my temple to my ear, down in front of my ear and down into my neck. This will give the surgeon access to my parotid gland (google parotidectomy if you're not squeamish or if you still need motivation to have your moles checked!), which he will remove. Apparently I don't need my parotid gland, or so they say.

In addition to the underlying peace that we have (which at times is lying very much under), we go through times of anger and times of sadness. There are also the times of fear and denial. It's in these times that we hold tightly to the hope that we have in knowing that in all things, God is good.

Hope

Last Sunday, our church's communion table did not contain the usual bread and wine. Instead, there was a mixing bowl, eggs, flour, etc.. All the ingredients for the bread, but clearly not the finished product. As we look forward to Christmas, we wait in anticipation to celebrate the fulfillment of so many promises and the source of our hope.

Yesterday, Roz and I met with the surgeon who will perform my surgery. I'm on the list for surgery and will get the next available spot. The latest possible date is February 3rd, but mid-late January is possible too. I feel like we now have the ingredients. Now comes the patient anticipation and the hope. Hope is not blind wishful thinking. It is a deep rooted assurance, grounded in the knowledge that God works all things together for good. That's true for the good parts of life and for the hard parts of life. We know that this whole crazy experience will be used for good. This is not for nothing. This is not an accident. This is not hopeless.

Reconciliation

There is much comfort in knowing that we are part of a story that is larger than anything we could ever comprehend. There's something scary about that too. What if my character in this story is the one that dies in an early chapter? It may be good for the story, but not for this particular player. In facing a potentially poor cancer outcome, I've been thinking back on a class I took in my forth year at TWU. We looked at the meta-narrative of history (just a fancy way of saying 'what is the theme if we look at the whole thing, not just bits and pieces). When we look at the totality of history, it's a story of reconciliation. Yes, there are times of incredible unrest and hardship, but through it can be found a thread of God's desire to be reconciled with humankind. Our individual lives are part of this meta-narrative too. Maybe we won't see it in our current situations, but we have to trust that we're living a story with an overarching theme of reconciliation (even though we fight against it most of the time). Sometimes we will see that clearly. Sometimes we will just see a faint thread. Sometimes we will feel all alone. In my current journey, I'm holding onto the knowledge that we're all part of a story of reconciliation, even if I don't know what my exact role is yet.

Next: Hope

Compassion

The dictionary definition of compassion is 'the deep emotion triggered by understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it'. Not to take anything away from the obvious applications of relieving suffering (world hunger, human rights issues, etc.), but I think we miss out on more "common" applications of compassion. Most people that we encounter in our everyday lives are suffering in some way. Even if we don't know what suffering exists in each individual, treating others with patience and kindness is often that 'something' that they need. That person driving 20km below the speed limit may need compassion. Your coworker that annoys the stink out of you. Compassion. The people you love and see everyday. Compassion. Seek out the lonely. Listen to those with no voice. Love those around you because they are.

Medical Updates

Today, Roz and I met with the surgeon who did the original procedure. He provided some much needed clarity on the next few medical steps that we'll be taking. Apparently, when a doctor says "you need further surgery and you'll see the surgeon on December 4", this does NOT mean that the surgeon will be doing any surgery on December 4th. He just wants to chat on December 4. Based on this consultation, he'll set an actual surgery date. The lack of a known time line is a little disheartening, but at least we won't show up on December 4th expecting surgery, only to walk away with a post-it note. That would be a little embarrassing :)

Some good news! I have an appointment with a Melanoma specialist from the BC Cancer Agency on December 9. Also, the surgeon that I'll see on December 4th is able to perform all 3 of the potential surgeries that I may need. It means that we have to go to Vancouver Island, but there is a chance that all procedures could be done at the same time. One of the possible procedures that I'll need is a 'radical neck dissection'. Sounds very 80's to me!

Truth

There are many things that are true. Some things that are true are wonderful. Somethings that are true are awful. I think that all truth must be understood in light of compassion, reconciliation, and hope. Without these elements, truth is either frightening or meaningless. It is these other 3 elements that make truth beautiful. I have come to terms with the fact that I have cancer. This is one of those awful truths. If I stopped at the truth of the matter, I would be missing out on the beauty of the journey.

When it comes to spiritual truth, I think we try to over-complicate things. God loves us. We should love Him and we should love each other. That's more than enough to keep us busy for many generations to come.

Next: Compassion

I'm scared too.

I’ve got some waiting time between now and next Friday. It’s a strange period to be in. I still feel fine, but I know that something is wrong. I don’t get to know how wrong things are for another 2 weeks. A friend remarked the other day that I didn’t seem scared. I’d like to debunk that right now! I’ve been trying to time my communications with people to coincide with the high points of my days. If we look at the full spectrum of my emotions, there have been some very low points too. I’m a very private person, so sharing about what I’m going through is a new experience. When I shared that I was scared, it gave my friend comfort. Jerk. :)

Perhaps others will find it helpful to know that despite the lows, there is still an overarching peace. This comes from God, through His spirit and also through other people. Strangers. Friends. Family. My dear wife. Roz has been absolutely incredible. She just sits with me when I need to sit and be quiet. She laughs with me. She cries with me. She bought me a new coat, even though I didn’t think it was wise to invest in the long-term. The rest of the winter seems long-term at some of those low points. I’m glad I have a new coat.

Over the past year I’ve been working on my MBA at Trinity Western. Most of my major projects have been work related, and since I also work at TWU, most have been about the university. A key part of each project has been an examination of organizational mission and reason for being. I have spent countless hours wrestling with the reason that TWU exists. I’m so glad that I have. It has helped me to shape my outlook on this journey.

In short form, TWU exists so that through its students, alumni, faculty and staff, the world may experience Christ’s Truth, Compassion, Reconciliation, and Hope. I have experienced these elements in powerful ways over the past few days. I hope that I can also show these elements to others who are walking through this with me, or may be walking a similar journey of their own.

Between now and December 4, I’m going to put down some thoughts about each of these things: Truth. Compassion. Reconciliation. Hope.

Tomorrow: Truth.

Surgery Date Set

I just heard from my doctor. I'm scheduled for surgery on December 4th in Victoria. If anyone needs anything...British candies, Wax Museum t-shirt...let me know!

UPDATE: Surgery will not be on December 4th. I have a consultation with the surgeon on the 4th and will be scheduled for sometime after that.