Identity

As the way I look will change soon, I've been thinking a lot about the concept of identity. My driver's license expires shortly after my surgery and I intended to go and get my new photo taken ahead of time. I've decided not to. My identity, both inside and out, is being shaped by this experience. I think I am better for it. My picture ID will represent who I will be going forward. To take the picture now would be a denial of an identity that will be forever changed.

I was talking recently with a good friend who recently lost his job. We had a good talk about the value of savoring our trials. Not dwelling in them, but savoring them. Learning from them. Deliberately letting them shape and contribute to our identities. Times like these will shape and contribute to identity no matter whether we're intentional about it or not. By savoring the experience, we can influence how we are shaped. I did not choose to have cancer. Now that I have it, however, I can either despise it...or I can use the opportunity to experience emotions and insights that may not have come had I just kept moving through life at its regular chaotic pace. Both approaches will shape me, and both will shape those around me. My prayer is that we'll all grow and learn through this.

To all of you that have supported us over the past couple of months, we thank you so very much. I'm not sure where we would be without the incredible provision that has come through our work, church, friend, and family circles. We have been fed, prayed for, had renovation services donated, and loved beyond comprehension. Thank you is not enough, but thank you.

We travel to Victoria this afternoon. A family friend has blessed us by providing accommodations until Sunday. My parents will be there, which we are also extremely thankful for. Roz will not need to be alone while I'm in surgery. I will arrive at the hospital (Royal Jubilee) tomorrow morning (Thursday), and will be in surgery until late afternoon. Hopefully I'll be discharged sometime on Friday and we'll stay in Victoria until Sunday. I'll post an update as soon as possible. See you all soon!

Medical Update

Happy New Year! 10 days until surgery, but it still seems surreal. There was a moment when reality hit on January 1 though. Roz and I returned from a wonderful visit with her family in Ontario, which had always been a milestone toward going into hospital. In planning out the Christmas season, I often thought 'we get back from Ontario, then I go into hospital the next week'. Picking up our bags from the carousel seemed to set the whole thing into motion. There is a lot to do before January 14th, so I'll have plenty to keep my mind off of things.

Before Christmas, I saw an oncologist who confirmed that there were no other troublesome areas on my skin. There was an odd spot, but it washed off ;). It's a huge relief to know that we only have to worry about the existing area for now.

Tomorrow I have my pre-op appointment. Is it a good idea to check weight right after Christmas?!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! May you experience the peace of Christ as you celebrate His birth. I was reminded of the power of Christmas at our church's Christmas Eve service this year. While we often read of Christ's birth in the Gospels, it is a tradition in our church to read the account recorded in Revelation. I didn't realize that there was a version of the Christmas story in Revelation, but there is. It has a dragon. Read Revelation 12 for a description of what was happening in the spiritual realm while Mary and Joseph were posing for your Nativity set. Our pastor reminded us that the entrance of Christ to the world was a battle cry. It was a call to fight against injustice. To fight against all that is evil. To fight for compassion. And the weapon? An innocent and gentle child. Interesting.

Hospital Gowns

Upon checking in for a recent chest x-ray, I was instructed to go down the hall, grab a gown, and change in a cubicle. As I made my way to the changing area, I passed a shelving unit of gowns...but the only ones left were up on the top shelf. I'm not the tallest person in the world, so (after several failed jumps) I had to scale the shelving unit to reach one of the lovely pale blue items. I figured that if I fell, I was in close proximity to the emergency room. I made my way to the cubicles, only to discover a nice pile of fresh gowns waiting for me inside. I used the one that I worked for.

The cubicles are along one wall of a hallway. Opposite to the cubicles are the chairs, which are filled with people already wearing gowns. Once you successfully maneuver your way into the puppet stage curtain of a garment, you get a front row seat from which to watch the next poor soul who needs to change. And when I say watch, I mean WATCH. Yes, you are in a cubicle, but there is about a 1.5 inch gap between the door and the frame. You can see the entire audience, and they are all trying to pretend that they can't see you. They've all just been in the cubicle, so most are sensitive to newcomers.

On the wall inside the cubicle was an instruction sheet with the warning: Please dress according to the instructions for your specific procedure. Incorrect gown placement will result in longer testing times. I like to stand in front of x-ray machines for as short a time as possible, so I really wanted to get it right! The instructions continued..for such and such a procedure, wear one gown forwards and one gown backwards. For another, wear one gown forwards. For yet another wear one gown backwards. For my procedure...wear one gown. One gown!? Which way?! Where am I supposed to feel the draft?

I finally decided to tie the gown up in the front since that would give easier access to my chest. Unfortunately, it was so large that it practically wrapped around me twice. I was wearing a kimono. A pale blue one. At least there was no draft!

Tomorrow I meet with my dermatologist again. No gowns for that appointment, unfortunately!

God is not on our side (it's better than that).

In reading the account of the fall of Jericho, I was struck by a portion of the story that I had never noticed before. We usually start reading when Israel is marching around the wall and we assume that God was on THEIR side because the wall fell down. If we read the passage before the marching and falling, we see Joshua meeting a soldier. Joshua asks the soldier, 'are you on our side, or are you on the side of our enemy?'. The soldier's (who was an angel) response is so interesting. He says 'neither, I am on God's side'. God is not on our side. We are on His. This may seem like silly semantics, but I think the difference is critical. If we have the mindset that God is on OUR side, that means that we are the ones with the plan. We are the one calling the shots. We are the ones that must always have things go our way. He wants us on His side. His plans are much better than ours. Confusing sometimes, but always much better.

Surgery Date Set...For real this time

I will have surgery on January 14th, more than 2 weeks earlier than it could have been. This is a huge blessing as O.R. time is pretty tight. The solidification of a date and a detailed explanation of the procedure have brought this whole experience to a new level of reality. Here is the plan so far (which may change as the procedure gets going). I will have a circle (2cm across) removed from beside my right eye. The edge of the circle will be at my lower eyelash line. From there, I'll have an incision across my temple to my ear, down in front of my ear and down into my neck. This will give the surgeon access to my parotid gland (google parotidectomy if you're not squeamish or if you still need motivation to have your moles checked!), which he will remove. Apparently I don't need my parotid gland, or so they say.

In addition to the underlying peace that we have (which at times is lying very much under), we go through times of anger and times of sadness. There are also the times of fear and denial. It's in these times that we hold tightly to the hope that we have in knowing that in all things, God is good.

Hope

Last Sunday, our church's communion table did not contain the usual bread and wine. Instead, there was a mixing bowl, eggs, flour, etc.. All the ingredients for the bread, but clearly not the finished product. As we look forward to Christmas, we wait in anticipation to celebrate the fulfillment of so many promises and the source of our hope.

Yesterday, Roz and I met with the surgeon who will perform my surgery. I'm on the list for surgery and will get the next available spot. The latest possible date is February 3rd, but mid-late January is possible too. I feel like we now have the ingredients. Now comes the patient anticipation and the hope. Hope is not blind wishful thinking. It is a deep rooted assurance, grounded in the knowledge that God works all things together for good. That's true for the good parts of life and for the hard parts of life. We know that this whole crazy experience will be used for good. This is not for nothing. This is not an accident. This is not hopeless.