Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! May you experience the peace of Christ as you celebrate His birth. I was reminded of the power of Christmas at our church's Christmas Eve service this year. While we often read of Christ's birth in the Gospels, it is a tradition in our church to read the account recorded in Revelation. I didn't realize that there was a version of the Christmas story in Revelation, but there is. It has a dragon. Read Revelation 12 for a description of what was happening in the spiritual realm while Mary and Joseph were posing for your Nativity set. Our pastor reminded us that the entrance of Christ to the world was a battle cry. It was a call to fight against injustice. To fight against all that is evil. To fight for compassion. And the weapon? An innocent and gentle child. Interesting.

Hospital Gowns

Upon checking in for a recent chest x-ray, I was instructed to go down the hall, grab a gown, and change in a cubicle. As I made my way to the changing area, I passed a shelving unit of gowns...but the only ones left were up on the top shelf. I'm not the tallest person in the world, so (after several failed jumps) I had to scale the shelving unit to reach one of the lovely pale blue items. I figured that if I fell, I was in close proximity to the emergency room. I made my way to the cubicles, only to discover a nice pile of fresh gowns waiting for me inside. I used the one that I worked for.

The cubicles are along one wall of a hallway. Opposite to the cubicles are the chairs, which are filled with people already wearing gowns. Once you successfully maneuver your way into the puppet stage curtain of a garment, you get a front row seat from which to watch the next poor soul who needs to change. And when I say watch, I mean WATCH. Yes, you are in a cubicle, but there is about a 1.5 inch gap between the door and the frame. You can see the entire audience, and they are all trying to pretend that they can't see you. They've all just been in the cubicle, so most are sensitive to newcomers.

On the wall inside the cubicle was an instruction sheet with the warning: Please dress according to the instructions for your specific procedure. Incorrect gown placement will result in longer testing times. I like to stand in front of x-ray machines for as short a time as possible, so I really wanted to get it right! The instructions continued..for such and such a procedure, wear one gown forwards and one gown backwards. For another, wear one gown forwards. For yet another wear one gown backwards. For my procedure...wear one gown. One gown!? Which way?! Where am I supposed to feel the draft?

I finally decided to tie the gown up in the front since that would give easier access to my chest. Unfortunately, it was so large that it practically wrapped around me twice. I was wearing a kimono. A pale blue one. At least there was no draft!

Tomorrow I meet with my dermatologist again. No gowns for that appointment, unfortunately!

God is not on our side (it's better than that).

In reading the account of the fall of Jericho, I was struck by a portion of the story that I had never noticed before. We usually start reading when Israel is marching around the wall and we assume that God was on THEIR side because the wall fell down. If we read the passage before the marching and falling, we see Joshua meeting a soldier. Joshua asks the soldier, 'are you on our side, or are you on the side of our enemy?'. The soldier's (who was an angel) response is so interesting. He says 'neither, I am on God's side'. God is not on our side. We are on His. This may seem like silly semantics, but I think the difference is critical. If we have the mindset that God is on OUR side, that means that we are the ones with the plan. We are the one calling the shots. We are the ones that must always have things go our way. He wants us on His side. His plans are much better than ours. Confusing sometimes, but always much better.

Surgery Date Set...For real this time

I will have surgery on January 14th, more than 2 weeks earlier than it could have been. This is a huge blessing as O.R. time is pretty tight. The solidification of a date and a detailed explanation of the procedure have brought this whole experience to a new level of reality. Here is the plan so far (which may change as the procedure gets going). I will have a circle (2cm across) removed from beside my right eye. The edge of the circle will be at my lower eyelash line. From there, I'll have an incision across my temple to my ear, down in front of my ear and down into my neck. This will give the surgeon access to my parotid gland (google parotidectomy if you're not squeamish or if you still need motivation to have your moles checked!), which he will remove. Apparently I don't need my parotid gland, or so they say.

In addition to the underlying peace that we have (which at times is lying very much under), we go through times of anger and times of sadness. There are also the times of fear and denial. It's in these times that we hold tightly to the hope that we have in knowing that in all things, God is good.

Hope

Last Sunday, our church's communion table did not contain the usual bread and wine. Instead, there was a mixing bowl, eggs, flour, etc.. All the ingredients for the bread, but clearly not the finished product. As we look forward to Christmas, we wait in anticipation to celebrate the fulfillment of so many promises and the source of our hope.

Yesterday, Roz and I met with the surgeon who will perform my surgery. I'm on the list for surgery and will get the next available spot. The latest possible date is February 3rd, but mid-late January is possible too. I feel like we now have the ingredients. Now comes the patient anticipation and the hope. Hope is not blind wishful thinking. It is a deep rooted assurance, grounded in the knowledge that God works all things together for good. That's true for the good parts of life and for the hard parts of life. We know that this whole crazy experience will be used for good. This is not for nothing. This is not an accident. This is not hopeless.

Reconciliation

There is much comfort in knowing that we are part of a story that is larger than anything we could ever comprehend. There's something scary about that too. What if my character in this story is the one that dies in an early chapter? It may be good for the story, but not for this particular player. In facing a potentially poor cancer outcome, I've been thinking back on a class I took in my forth year at TWU. We looked at the meta-narrative of history (just a fancy way of saying 'what is the theme if we look at the whole thing, not just bits and pieces). When we look at the totality of history, it's a story of reconciliation. Yes, there are times of incredible unrest and hardship, but through it can be found a thread of God's desire to be reconciled with humankind. Our individual lives are part of this meta-narrative too. Maybe we won't see it in our current situations, but we have to trust that we're living a story with an overarching theme of reconciliation (even though we fight against it most of the time). Sometimes we will see that clearly. Sometimes we will just see a faint thread. Sometimes we will feel all alone. In my current journey, I'm holding onto the knowledge that we're all part of a story of reconciliation, even if I don't know what my exact role is yet.

Next: Hope

Compassion

The dictionary definition of compassion is 'the deep emotion triggered by understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it'. Not to take anything away from the obvious applications of relieving suffering (world hunger, human rights issues, etc.), but I think we miss out on more "common" applications of compassion. Most people that we encounter in our everyday lives are suffering in some way. Even if we don't know what suffering exists in each individual, treating others with patience and kindness is often that 'something' that they need. That person driving 20km below the speed limit may need compassion. Your coworker that annoys the stink out of you. Compassion. The people you love and see everyday. Compassion. Seek out the lonely. Listen to those with no voice. Love those around you because they are.

Medical Updates

Today, Roz and I met with the surgeon who did the original procedure. He provided some much needed clarity on the next few medical steps that we'll be taking. Apparently, when a doctor says "you need further surgery and you'll see the surgeon on December 4", this does NOT mean that the surgeon will be doing any surgery on December 4th. He just wants to chat on December 4. Based on this consultation, he'll set an actual surgery date. The lack of a known time line is a little disheartening, but at least we won't show up on December 4th expecting surgery, only to walk away with a post-it note. That would be a little embarrassing :)

Some good news! I have an appointment with a Melanoma specialist from the BC Cancer Agency on December 9. Also, the surgeon that I'll see on December 4th is able to perform all 3 of the potential surgeries that I may need. It means that we have to go to Vancouver Island, but there is a chance that all procedures could be done at the same time. One of the possible procedures that I'll need is a 'radical neck dissection'. Sounds very 80's to me!

Truth

There are many things that are true. Some things that are true are wonderful. Somethings that are true are awful. I think that all truth must be understood in light of compassion, reconciliation, and hope. Without these elements, truth is either frightening or meaningless. It is these other 3 elements that make truth beautiful. I have come to terms with the fact that I have cancer. This is one of those awful truths. If I stopped at the truth of the matter, I would be missing out on the beauty of the journey.

When it comes to spiritual truth, I think we try to over-complicate things. God loves us. We should love Him and we should love each other. That's more than enough to keep us busy for many generations to come.

Next: Compassion

I'm scared too.

I’ve got some waiting time between now and next Friday. It’s a strange period to be in. I still feel fine, but I know that something is wrong. I don’t get to know how wrong things are for another 2 weeks. A friend remarked the other day that I didn’t seem scared. I’d like to debunk that right now! I’ve been trying to time my communications with people to coincide with the high points of my days. If we look at the full spectrum of my emotions, there have been some very low points too. I’m a very private person, so sharing about what I’m going through is a new experience. When I shared that I was scared, it gave my friend comfort. Jerk. :)

Perhaps others will find it helpful to know that despite the lows, there is still an overarching peace. This comes from God, through His spirit and also through other people. Strangers. Friends. Family. My dear wife. Roz has been absolutely incredible. She just sits with me when I need to sit and be quiet. She laughs with me. She cries with me. She bought me a new coat, even though I didn’t think it was wise to invest in the long-term. The rest of the winter seems long-term at some of those low points. I’m glad I have a new coat.

Over the past year I’ve been working on my MBA at Trinity Western. Most of my major projects have been work related, and since I also work at TWU, most have been about the university. A key part of each project has been an examination of organizational mission and reason for being. I have spent countless hours wrestling with the reason that TWU exists. I’m so glad that I have. It has helped me to shape my outlook on this journey.

In short form, TWU exists so that through its students, alumni, faculty and staff, the world may experience Christ’s Truth, Compassion, Reconciliation, and Hope. I have experienced these elements in powerful ways over the past few days. I hope that I can also show these elements to others who are walking through this with me, or may be walking a similar journey of their own.

Between now and December 4, I’m going to put down some thoughts about each of these things: Truth. Compassion. Reconciliation. Hope.

Tomorrow: Truth.

Surgery Date Set

I just heard from my doctor. I'm scheduled for surgery on December 4th in Victoria. If anyone needs anything...British candies, Wax Museum t-shirt...let me know!

UPDATE: Surgery will not be on December 4th. I have a consultation with the surgeon on the 4th and will be scheduled for sometime after that.

In all things, God is good.

Well, it's been quite the weekend. It started with a phone call on Thursday night from my doctor. He said that he needed to see me right away, like Friday morning at 7:30. I figured that it wasn't just because he enjoyed my company. I had a mole removed from my face a couple of weeks earlier, and the results were in. I drove to his office the next morning and was ushered directly into the examination room...no time to even pick up a germ-infested waiting room newspaper. The next few minutes were a bit of a blur, I just remember random words like "cancer, spreading, surgery, Melanoma, act quick, any questions?, I'll call you on Monday". The next thing I knew I was driving home with a numb feeling in my chest. Roz called me during one of her spare teaching blocks to find out how the appointment went. That was a difficult conversation. Do I ruin her day? Do I lie and say that everything is fine? I told her the news and she was a pillar of strength for me. She then went and taught her grade 2 class for the rest of the day, incredible. Wow, I love her so much! The rest of Friday was filled with ups and downs. I did everything from check the life insurance policy to reading up on how the Canucks were doing. The Canucks news was almost as bad as my own :)

The rest of the weekend was filled with lots of laughing and lots of tears. It's amazing what an emotional roller coaster a few mutant cells can cause.

I told the congregation at church today. The support was incredible. Thank you to all of you! In the afternoon, our pastor and a few church members came over and anointed us with oil and prayed over me and Roz. We have a tremendous sense of peace. The kind that passes all understanding.

While I'm sure that there will be many more highs and lows in the coming days, I know that God will sustain us. The end goal is not healing (though we are humanly hoping for that). The end goal is that God is glorified. Because of this, there is no bad outcome. For now, we trust that He has us in His hands and walk forward with His peace.

Check back here to see how things are going. Thanks for your prayers and support as we navigate this crazy journey.

In all things, God is good.